Nigel’s Nightmare

It was half past seven and Nigel Farage was ready for the recording of Have I Got News For You. He was on Ian Hislop’s team, presumably because Hislop hated him. Opposite him were Paul Merton looking confused and a woman. The host was a man who wasn’t Jeremy Clarkson.

They started off with a bit of footage about some missiles that MI6 had left on a train. Hislop made some obvious jokes and Paul Merton comically misunderstood what was going on. The host asked Nigel some questions which he got absolutely spot on and then the woman said something flirtatious to the man who wasn’t Jeremy Clarkson. Hislop then started making ridiculous accusations against Nigel, saying “You’re having an affair, aren’t you?”

With righteous fury, Nigel replied “That’s not proven. I mean no comment. I mean absolutely not!” A lot of people jeered at him. Typical BBC lefties. Nigel stood up and shouted at them. “You’re just as bad! Don’t judge me you bastards!” The jeering got louder. Nigel jumped up onto his desk and smashed his glass. “I hate you! I hate you all! Why won’t you vote for me?” he said. The shouting and booing only got worse.

At this point Farage felt that something was wrong with his face. He touched his cheeks and sure enough, his jowls and his chin had dropped a bit. He looked at Hislop. “Hislop! My face is melting!” he said.

“That’s exactly what you would say” Hislop replied. The audience sighed.

“I’m serious.” said Farage. Someone giggled.

“Seriously?” said the woman. Nigel could hear his chin dripping onto the desk.

“I have to get down.” said Nigel. Everyone laughed a deep belly laugh. Nigel clambered back into his seat.

The host started the video for the other team.

“Paul and Amanda.” he said. “What does this film tell us about Prince Charles?”

“My ears are on my neck!” Shouted Nigel. There were woops from the audience. Ian Hislop leaned over to Nigel and quietly told him to stop interrupting. Black blotches were forming in Nigel’s right eye. Paul Merton started to describe an encounter he had had with a post box.

“I can’t see! My forehead is in my eyes.” The audience booed this interruption.

“Look I know this show isn’t quite what it used to be.” said Paul Merton. “But you don’t have to be rude.” Someone cheered and then everyone clapped. Nigel decided escape was his only option. He stood up once more, only for his whole head to almost fall off. Even the host laughed at that. Nigel collapsed onto all fours and dragged his head along the floor out into the corridor. Amanda said “Sore looser.” and people cheered again. This was one of the most well received episodes of Have I Got News For You since the nineties.

“Now I finally have a chance.” said Hislop. The audience was silent at that.

In the corridor Nigel was trying to scream for an ambulance but he had no lips, and his lungs had dissolved. His last thought was that all this had to be some terrible nightmare.

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