A comedian is a cynic who nobody takes seriously.

A review site for all the cats we lesbians love.

A review site where we compare reviewers.

All I want is someone completely perfect in every way.

Anger is a lumpy pain above the eyebrows.

Any sufficiently reliable magic is indistinguishable from technology.

At my school election I offered to perform a one man version of Star Wars if they voted for me. The other parties complained that this was bribery, which shows how alienated we are from the notion that democracy should give people what they want.

Cheek kiss goodbye. Once? Twice? So much pressure!

Comedy is the intersection of irony and seriousness.

Comedy is great cover for being a crazy person.

Comedy is tragedy gone wrong.

Everywhere I go I see men with big ginger bushy beards. It’s freaking me out.

I can’t help but find working printers a little bit beautiful.

I had a dream that I had come up with the best joke ever conceived. The joke was me holding a fork, shouting “fork” repeatedly at ever increasing volume, and then crying and telling everyone that I’d stolen the joke from the two Ronnies.

I had a dream that all the teeth I’d lost in my dreams came back and buried me alive.

I have a very poor memory. That’s impossible to verify. What was I saying?

I want to be a camp eight year old who is too wise for his age.

I wonder if in the run up to the American Revolution anyone proposed devo max.

I used to read the Daily Mail and think “this is ridiculous” and then I’d accidentally repeat it verbatim and become ridiculous.

I’m from Yorkshire so I tend not to say word “”.

I’ve a note on my phone which says “’I’m a very narcissistic person’ – write about how that is the most hilarious thing I’ve ever said.”

If you can’t be cheerful, be good.

In real life, do the main quest first.

Life sounds like quite a stressful idea.

Maybe what we need in life is someone who is not special.

My aim is to write a play so tedious nobody will realise it is awful.

One day predictive text will write my jokes for me, until then I realised she’d given every year the UK and Ireland.

People are always told to be themselves. My company caters to people whose selves are awful.

Sadness is a stream inside you.

Sometimes I get upset when I don’t fancy anyone.

Sometimes I want to cook pasta in the kettle.

Sometimes I want to say “I’m not crazy, I’ve written a screenplay”, then I realise my conclusion does not follow from my premise.

Sometimes I worry that I can’t be disillusioned about everything.

They say the longer you leave the shaving cream on the better the shave. It’s been two years now.

To an elephant, laughter sounds the same as tears.

When I see “Movember” written down it always looks like German to me.

Where are all the evil hipsters?

Who told everyone that you swallow eight spiders in the average lifetime? I bet that person was a spider.

You can’t blame the shopping on the rain.

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