Monthly Archives: January 2015


Bloody minded literalism.

-but rest assured that it is being written, at pace, and that if you like this, you will like the book. Have you guessed the working title?-

Even God has a bucket list.

Give me one more life. I could do it so much better.

Google dear, you know me better than I know myself.

I had a good line. What was it? Damn it! I have to write these down! Now the thought is lost forever.

I love reading encyclopaedias in my dreams. I don’t learn anything but I feel amazing.

I measure the passing of time by the passing of my taste buds.

I wish that one could choose the accent Google reads aloud.

I’ll let you in on a secret. People who studied economics at university aren’t pretend mathematicians. We’re pretend economists.

Method for winning the love of a child in two steps:
Offer it stickers for doing your bidding.
On occasion, beep.

Please eat pheasant mousse next to me so I appear less posh by comparison.

Right now I’m just wading through tomorrow.

Stop screwing with the time stream.

Stop waiting for them to fancy you back.

Tell me please. What is this thing that you call love?

The desktop hums and calms me like a mother’s whisper.

The room bookings office are my life story’s antagonists.

The wall has pores so big I could fit a model train in them.

The wind makes metal sandwich boards roar.

There are some days when even wearing yellow trousers and cooking breakfast won’t cheer me up.

Split lip? That’s your expression muscles getting stronger.

The best months are the ones whose first letters can easily be replaced by “M”. You know, Movember, Manuary, Moctober, March.

The nineties were filled with gunge.

The revolution is already complete. We lost.


-a collection of notes, opinion pieces, attempts at answers to troubling questions, jokes, poems, short stories and some other secret things too. I’ve not decided all the publishing details yet-

Carry a gun. Not to keep you safe. To keep others unsafe.

Do catfish get hiccups?

Hearts beating in time. How?

I don’t know your mind. I don’t know mine.

I’d remember if I had any cognitive biases.

If you love someone, then pass them some grapes and say “you’re grape!”

I’m straight. Except when I’m drunk or bored. I’m not straight.

Inky tentacle monster hides within all throats. Gives us our flaws.

I went back to my primary school classroom. All my classmates were still eleven years old, flicking pencils at their tables. One of the Roses asked me for help with her fractions.

Just myself and my self. I wish he would stop judging me.

Predictable cheddar. The cheddar of cheeses.

Roger Allam would make an excellent sad tuna.

Some music is best heard when asleep.

The world makes more sense if you assume voters are total bastards.

Thought I was unfit. No. Some bastard kids had been increasing the elevation of my cycle route by half a degree every day for months.

Took an IQ test. It turns out I’m an idiot – I thought intelligence could be represented on a one-dimensional scale.

Total introvert. Always in the crowd because I’m also a masochist.

Unless something drastic changes, this will have to be our happy end. Don’t browse forever. Do something you’ll cherish.

Yes, close the window. Please.

You know I’ll always love you. Now go. Goodbye. Stay grape.


“Can you put ‘Can I be in one of your notes?’ in one of your notes? ‘Quote, hyphen, Katie Harrison’.” – Katie Harrison

Clichéd movie lines (feel free to add your own):
“He’s headed for the detention level.”

“How many fingers am I holding up?”

“I don’t want to live, I want to survive!”

“It’s my ass on the line!” – What line? Why your arse? What does this mean?

“It’s not really a code. It’s more of a set of guidelines.”

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

“…may God help us all.”

“She’s one x short of a y.”

“Stiff drink.”

“Suit up.”

“The good news is , and the bad news is .”

“This time, it’s personal.”

“We’re not so different, you and I.”

“When they come – and they will-”

““x” is such an ugly word.”

“You never told me you could x.” (Where x is invariably something incredibly useful and unexpected and also slightly sexy)

“You owe me.”

You remember that bit in every James Bond film where he surprises someone by bursting through a barrier with a massive vehicle? That’s my favourite bit in every James Bond film.


Beauty. Makes me hungry.

-book. The working title is contained within one of my previous notes. The backup working title is contained within a future note. The book I’m writing is-

Bright moon burns my eyes.

Crinkle cut vegetarian.

Hell. Why are there so many typists here?

In order to make tall people feel more comfortable, DFS has made it policy to sell beds that are just slightly too small to average sized men and women.

Lewis Dunn is the closest thing I have to a God.

Magnetically yours.

Morality. What substance are you?

People naturally interrupt. That’s why-

There are those who cannot find love, those who can find love and keep it, and those who find local employment but pish it away.

There will be a time when the freaks and outcasts get a shot at power, and we’ll turn out to be corruptible just like the norms.

They haven’t mastered Ai until they can get a robot to put a duvet into its case.

This quest for knowledge. When does it end?

Twitter is a room filled haphazardly with screaming receipts.

When I go, keep writing notes.

Why so sad, pineapple man?

You might not see this, and you might not be in a place to reply. There is a lot of noise out here, I understand. But I want you to know that I think you’re awesome. I hope you can forgive me for being a flaming pine tree.

Notes: (In note form)

All notes must be read in rough whisky-drowned bass for full effect.

Am adult. Iron sheets now.

Can’t like all music. How children rebel against tastes?

Conjoined twins fighting over their trouser zip.

David Mitchell – actually time traveller from future. Stole entire persona from man more like him than he is.

Films teach people. Big risky final plan always pays off. Stupid lesson makes pupils stupid.

Lesson two from films – bulk of romantic places on earth invariably airports.

People say humans and dolphins only creatures that sex for pleasure. That mean other creatures sex for what, larvae? God?

Phill Collins – parallel universe David Cameron lookalike?

Predictive typing useless because writing totally- Wait. Unpredictable? No. Saw that coming.

So obsessed with terrible photos of self, forgot to take nice ones.

Sometimes rust smells like coffee.

Speakers going. Taking peace of mind with them.

Started using internet music search on washing machine, active rubbish trucks, train tracks, overheard conversations. No music found.

Stop Steinbeck! Stop tearing my heart!

This is a secret hidden bonus note. I’m communicating directly through the fourth wall. I’m totally serious here. I’m writing a-

Used to be prolific playwright. Now write Facebook statuses instead. Much more successful.

What dark gathers around eyes when tired?

When stressed, beard grows faster.

Whenever meet someone new and exciting, want to say “Sorry. Only human twenty two years. Not mastered basics.”

Why fictional novelists never live with parents?

World needs hypocrites.

Writing novel about whale love triangle. Whale A in love with whale B. Whale B not love back. Whale B love submarine.


A dictionary is basically a very concise encyclopaedia.

Do wet dreams count for those who are celibate?

How is King’s Cross Station so clean when there are so few bins?

I always sleep better in an unfamiliar bed.

I dream of eating meaty chicken bits and roasted tuna. Doesn’t make me a bad vegetarian.

I had a dream in which every phone offered a service which allowed the user to send texts for free that had no recipient. Ostensibly it was to allow people to “vent” without consequence but it was secretly jointly monitored by the US and UK governments so they could gather big data on the madness in human souls.

I know the bus route like a web.

I missed a lot of boats.

I’m a downwardly mobile member of the lower upper middle class.

I’m very stingy with the money other people give me.

Love me like a piano.

My favourite David Bowie song is the one about space.

She types, and as she types tears fall onto the touch screen, forever changing her words.

The wind will never take me.

The word “avatar” is far more common than it deserves to be.

There’s a document on my computer that simply says
“Glad for:

There’s no conditioner, your hair just is that silky.

Under the right conditions, is it possible to turn cheese into a vapour?


What even is an onion?

When I stand my iron on its back I can see tears dripping from its belly.

Who is Gary Busey?