Feckless unemployed NEATS keep stealing my tax money. Morally spiteful gays threaten my sexuality with their government-approved marriages. Screeching women savage my bleeding ear drums with their howls about rape. I am the real victim here, let nobody forget it. And this is why:
If you disagree with me, you are attacking my personal integrity. Yes. I am a man. A human being, and I have a right to my opinions. If you assault those opinions with claims of factual inaccuracy or moral callousness, you are assaulting me. And not in the petty literal sense of assault in which you threaten or attack some person’s body – you are assaulting my sense of self. You are assaulting the very essence of my being. Because if I do not have my opinions, then what separates me from the terrorist-loving liberals in the Labour party?
Other people’s problems make me deeply uncomfortable. When you victim-claimers go on about how the pharmaceutical industry faces a conflict of interest in publicizing female sexual arousal disorder1, or how disabled people are dying because of the government’s welfare reforms, you put images of death and disability in my mind. You make me think about starvation, and sexuality, and being a woman. I do not want to be a woman.
Irrelevant concerns are a waste of my time. So, Muslims fear a backlash after the attacks in Denmark and France2. So, more than two billion people live on less than two dollars a day3. So, ethnic minorities are more likely than white people to be victims of crime4. Am I a Muslim? Am I poor? Am I a black? No. You’re interrupting my home screening of Forrest Gump5.
People lash out at me when I try to have a debate. The other day I called a Chinese woman a racist. You know what happened? She told me to fuck off! How are we going to have a productive discussion if I can’t even declaim my opponent for racism without her exploding in furious racially-motivated rage?
I am not the lunatic you’re looking for. I know an NHS contract went to a firm which employs my local Conservative MP6. I know the Conservatives put through a bill raising campaign spending limits by 23%7. I know that the probation chief’s wife won most of the probation service’s contracts since the government started their “Transforming Rehabilitation” reforms8. But you know what? I am not the Conservative party. I only vote for them. And while we’re talking about the government, could you please stop attacking them?
The public’s hatred of Britain is giving me a heart attack. Every day I hear people saying that income inequality is high and stagnant9, or that Eric Pickles sending a letter to every mosque asking their members not to be terrorists is offensive(citation unnecessary – editor), or that the British government went to war in Iraq on the basis of the near unanimous support of Conservative MPs10. I am fed up of people attacking my beloved government. David Cameron is trying his best. It’s not easy being Prime Minister you know. So perhaps instead of sitting around on question time telling me that Britain’s drug policy doesn’t work nearly as well as Portugal’s11, or that in the Netherlands the four day week is standard12, or that all large and medium sized companies in Germany have workers represented on the board13, how about you celebrate the fact that we won the Boar War, or that Britain is still 87% white?
Liberal arguments obfuscate and confuse reality. Liberals and socialists and “moderates” like to go on about how women earn 19.1% less than men (or is it 9.4% less? – make up your mind), and women only hold 22.8% of the sets in parliament, and how poor people are blamed for a rise in unemployment that is the result of a long term shift in policy14,, and how ethnic minorities are underrepresented in Oxbridge15, and how having an ethnic looking name makes you less likely to get a job16, but this is a clever intellectual trick. These aren’t real injustices. Anyone can use facts and statistics to prove anything, but what these socialist ideas do is insult people with different values to the Guardian and a contrary view of how the world is to Caroline Lucas. Nature and Science and the International Panel on Climate Change and the New Scientist and David Attenborough say climate change is real and even the UNITED FUCKING NATIONS says that “the poorest people on the planet are the most vulnerable to climate change”. They are all trying to discredit the conservative worldview. They are making absolutist claims that deny any alternative viewpoint. Liberals use the cover of “truth” to disguise their authoritarian goal of wiping out all alternative arguments. If everyone believes what science says then what room is there for pluralism? What room for healthy debate? As John Stuart Mill would have said, “Agreement is the most tyrannical form of censorship.” The real victims here are not unemployed people or people who have been raped or the working classes, the real victims are everyone who disagrees with liberal arguments.
1 – The marketing of a disease: female sexual dysfunction – http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC545000/
2 – Muslims fear backlash after Charlie Hebdo deaths as Islamic sites attacked – http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/jan/08/muslims-fear-backlash-charlie-hebdo-grenades-islamic-france
3 – Poverty Overview – http://www.worldbank.org/en/topic/poverty/overview
4 – Data in Focus Report. Minorities as Victims of Crime – http://fra.europa.eu/sites/default/files/fra-2012-eu-midis-dif6_0.pdf
5 – I’m actually not watching Forrest Gump.
6 – NHS Contract Awarded To Private Firm Despite Rival Bid Being “£7 Million Cheaper” – http://www.buzzfeed.com/solomonhughes/nhs-contract-stoke
7 – Grasping the nettle: how to clean up party funding – https://www.opendemocracy.net/ourkingdom/josiah-mortimer/grasping-nettle-how-to-clean-up-party-funding
8 – Probation inspector at centre of row over wife’s job at outsourcing firm – http://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/oct/31/paul-mcdowell-janine-probation-alleged-conflict-of-interest
9 – About Inequality, Scale and Trends – http://www.equalitytrust.org.uk/about-inequality/scale-and-trends
10 – Iraq — Case for war not established — rejected — 18 Mar 2003 at 21:15 – http://www.publicwhip.org.uk/division.php?date=2003-03-18&number=117&display=allpossible
11 – Drug laws around the world – does anyone get it right? – http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/11197559/Drug-laws-around-the-world-does-anyone-get-it-right.html
12 – World’s Shortest Work Weeks – http://money.cnn.com/gallery/news/economy/2013/07/10/worlds-shortest-work-weeks/
13 – Board-Level Representation – http://www.worker-participation.eu/National-Industrial-Relations/Countries/Germany/Board-level-Representation
14 – Whatever happened to full employment? – http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-15276765
15 – Oxford University accused of bias against ethnic minority applicants – http://www.theguardian.com/education/2013/feb/26/oxford-university-ethnic-minority-applicants
16 – Racial Bias in Hiring. Are Emily and Brendan More Employable than Lakisha and Jamal? – http://www.chicagobooth.edu/capideas/spring03/racialbias.html
Well done for reading the footnotes. I’d give you a cookie but unfortunately I’m just a line of text.
The preceding article was a work of satire.