How to Get Your Life Back

You know why you suck? Because you’re trapped in the Facebook news feed. Here are a few pointers on how it is ruining your life.

The news feed never ends. Yes, you might just want to read five or ten or forty interesting posts but there are always a million more. As you read and scan and scroll, the sands of your life are slipping away like the guts of a disembowelled bear which has eaten a lot of sand.

You only got onto Facebook to check your notifications. Yes, Facebook is vital for flirting with gentlemen you might not have met and reminding yourself what your friends’ names are, but that can be done entirely through the system of messages and notifications. You opened up Facebook so you’d have access to information, and now you’re stuck in the news feed like a pine martin trapped in a military jet engine. But you’re better than that pine martin. You can turn the engine off with your opposable thumbs. Once you have your life back you can get an awesome job and earn money and buy the plane and use it to bomb ISIS.

Ninety nine percent of the news feed is not relevant to you. It’s either targeted advertising, or self-serving expressions of triumph, or anecdotes that you’ve already heard in person. If you desperately worry that you might be missing out on something, you can, as an absolute last resort, check it during dead time on the Facebook app on your phone – you know, when you’re waiting for a bus, or you’re sitting in a bus, or somebody else is speaking. Say, on a bus. That way you’re not wasting your valuable *you* time. Which leads me onto my next point.

You can keep the news feed on your phone, just in case. Okay, so I’m assuming that you have a reasonable data limit or access to wifi on a modern phone. If you don’t then I am truly sorry for you. This is probably completely invalid in your case. I hear phones can be gotten cheap or second hand but I, having a double-barrelled surname, am probably a Conservative or fascist or something like that, and at the very least know nothing of the value of money.

Now that I’ve convinced you with my wonderful arguments, let me tell you some of the advantages of turning off the Facebook news feed.

You’ll start having dreams again. You have the power to dream, and the only thing that has been stopping you is that you lie awake all night checking the Facebook news feed. You can dream of anything, from topless builders explaining how to unclog your drains, to you crying while you eat a cheese cake, to a naked man with black hair on his eyes shaving his meaty calves as you realise you have no corporal form.

You’ll be the life of the party. Now that you spend your life enjoying the world as it is rather than endlessly watching a screen, you’ll have all sorts of fascinating anecdotes to tell, like the time you threw peanuts at someone’s dog in a pub and it reminded you of the invasion of Poland.

Everyone is incredibly sexy. Everyone. You didn’t notice because you were at home getting a fake tan from your monitor, but now that you’re out enjoying the sun you can get a real tan. Check out the forearms on the man in the tight t-shirt. So many tight bums on the yummy mummies pushing prams around the lake. That lady’s lips are so ripe that you imagine yourself leaning over and-

Enough distractions! First, how do you solve a problem like the news feed?

If you’re on Chrome:

Get the news feed eradicator-

If you’re on Firefox:

1 get the stylish add-on-

2 get the quiet Facebook style-

If you’re on Safari:

Download quiet Facebook (bottom right corner of screen – “download zip”)

Then go to preferences advanced and under style sheet select “other…”

Then unzip in your downloads folder

Then open quiet-facebook.css with safari.

If you’re on Internet Explorer:

Download Firefox at:

I deny all responsibility for those suffering withdrawal symptoms after removing the Facebook news feed.

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