Dammit Janet! You were supposed to text him when HE was drunk.

Every newspaper-based opinion writer: “My aim is to save the world, or at least console myself that it’s going in the wrong direction.”

I don’t want to sound arrogant but I am the best being of any species that has ever existed or will exist or can be imagined or can’t be imagined.

If the advertising directed at me is anything to go by, the most innovative part of our economy is currently the mattress sector.

If the journalists at Spiked Online are such freedom-loving individualists, why do they all say exactly the same thing?

I’m going to let you in on a secret. I’m quite flirtatious. But only around sexy people like you.

Is irrationality ever rational?

“Keep up the comedy”
“I try but people keep laughing at me.”

“Nobody else has the same anxieties as me” thought everyone.

“Guess who just joined the mile-high masturbation club!”
“I’m not going to high-five you.”

“The terrorist left a message – ‘If I see anything about my evil plot on Twitter I’ll turn North Carolina into a smoking crater.'”
“We must make sure the president does not know this.”

Remember, if a woman says she’s bisexual, then she’s really attracted to men. If a man says he’s bisexual, he’s really attracted to men.

There’s a theme in politics that meritocracy means scientists, innovators and other highly qualified individuals being on top, but what if far bigger drivers of economic growth are bullshitters and bastards? Would that make them the real meritocrats?

“We live in a ratings-obsessed culture” said Mungo, in a desperate attempt to remain relevant.

When I die can I pass on my Steam library?

“You know who I can’t stand? Vegans. They always go on about how vegan they are” said the man who goes on about vegans.

Discover more of my words in an interactive form by downloading Marketforce! It’s great, honest!

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