Oooh yeah sexy list.
- Show her how empty your calendar is.
- Be modest. Like, super modest. Say you’re shit at everything.
- Talk about your difficulties understanding other people.
- Avoid humour. Jokes might fall flat.
- (Exception: long-winded shaggy dog stories with no punchlines.)
- Talk about your money worries.
- Slouch.
- Dress like everybody else, but with more food stains.
- Either a) avoid all eye contact or b) lock eyes and don’t let up.
- Remain motionless at all times.
- Never blink.
- EITHER growl OR bark at her friends. NOT BOTH.
Bark at my friends. Woof woof.
- Tell her how awkward you feel.
- Ask if it’s going well.
- Talk about previous dates you didn’t enjoy.
- Tell her she’s beautiful, then offer her a drink, then apologise for no reason.
- Fact-check all her funny stories.
- Emphasise your differences.
- Talk about knives.
- Tell her you love gamergate.
- Pause for at least ten seconds. If she tries to continue the conversation, cry.
- Shiver angrily.
- Ask her where the treasure is hidden.
- Open all the windows.
This is what an aroused woman looks like.
- Speak only in Latin.
- Pour her drink on the floor.
- Run into a wall.
- Tell her you’re having a nervous breakdown.
- Hold your breath until you pass out.
- Enlist in ISIS.
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