33 steps to get any girl to fall in love with you

Oooh yeah sexy list.
  1. Show her how empty your calendar is.
  2. Be modest. Like, super modest. Say you’re shit at everything.
  3. Talk about your difficulties understanding other people.
  4. Avoid humour. Jokes might fall flat.
  5. (Exception: long-winded shaggy dog stories with no punchlines.)
  6. Talk about your money worries.
  7. Slouch.
  8. Dress like everybody else, but with more food stains.
  9. Either a) avoid all eye contact or b) lock eyes and don’t let up.
  10. Remain motionless at all times.
  11. Never blink.
  12. EITHER growl OR bark at her friends. NOT BOTH.

    Bark at my friends. Woof woof.
  13. Tell her how awkward you feel.
  14. Ask if it’s going well.
  15. Talk about previous dates you didn’t enjoy.
  16. Tell her she’s beautiful, then offer her a drink, then apologise for no reason.
  17. Fact-check all her funny stories.
  18. Emphasise your differences.
  19. Talk about knives.
  20. Tell her you love gamergate.
  21. Pause for at least ten seconds. If she tries to continue the conversation, cry.
  22. Shiver angrily.
  23. Ask her where the treasure is hidden.
  24. Open all the windows.
This is what an aroused woman looks like.
  1. Speak only in Latin.
  2. Pour her drink on the floor.
  3. Run into a wall.
  4. Tell her you’re having a nervous breakdown.
  5. Hold your breath until you pass out.
  6. Enlist in ISIS.

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