As a man who writes a lot online, I am something of an expert in avoiding endless online discussions or arguments. Here are some words of wisdom. You’re welcome.
“Engard!” “Actually it’s ‘engarde'” “THEN WE FIGHT! ON GUARD!”
- Engage. Always engage. If they write something, write something back!
- Mock the other person’s character. The scurrelous twunt.
- Distract the other person by bringing up unrelated issues.
- If the other person brings up an unrelated issue, follow them into arguing about that.
- Exaggerate the other person’s claims.
- Smash your keyboard with your fists. Show that keyboard who is boss!
- Hyperventilate. This gets the blood rushing to your brain and makes you super smart.
- Argue against the claims you want the other person to have made, not the ones they actually made.
- Google nothing. Research is weakness.
This is your enemy. Avoid it at all costs.
- Concede nothing. Conceding is weakness.
- Avoid relevant visual imagery or data. Discussions should be as abstract and metaphysical as possible.
- Assume that your alternate believes the same things as others who appear superficially similar to them.
- Ask nothing. Questions are weakness.
- Use long and unusual words. Not like me here. This language is stupid and makes me look like a scurrelous twunt. Better.
- Deny everything the other person claims as a matter of course.
Talk to the hand, ‘cos the face ain’t listenin’ to an [insert assumed ideological leaning here]
- Make the discussion about your character and their character. The issues are secondary. They’re a bad person and must be made to recognise this fact. Once you have shown them they are a terrible person they will bow to your wisdom and accept everything you say.
- Never compromise. Compromise is weakness.
- Instead of having one or two strong justifications supporting a conclusion, make hundreds, even thousands, of superficial or nonsensical claims. When it comes to online discussions, more is less.
A good argument is a like a Team Fortress 2 scattergun blast. Each claim (or pellet) is weak, but together, many weak pellets can take out a Heavy, assuming the Heavy has already been hit by a Sniper shot and set on fire.
- Take your first or least charitable interpretation of the other person’s argument and run with it.
- If they change their argument, keep attacking the original argument. Or better yet, keep attacking them as a person (see 14).
- Make jokes that are unfunny and miss the point.
- Provoke your opponent. They’ll appreciate your cleverness almost immediately.
- The object of a discussion is not greater understanding, or even entertainment. It is victory.
- In defeat, malice. In victory, revenge.
Here’s a picture of Batman.
