Voice Note from Ben Shapiro’s Mother

Ben Shapiro. This is your mother, Mama Shapiro.

Your father told me that I shouldn’t leave you this message because it was so long ago and you’re probably over it by now or at least terribly embarrassed and you want to forget it. But I only just heard it and I was so worried about you that I thought “I have to leave a message”. My poor little Ben is confused and I just have to say something.

Ben Shapiro at a podium - Wikimedia Commons

So I listened to your radio show to the episode about the p-word song with Megan The Stallion and the other lady. I don’t think you’ve understood the song Ben. I really don’t. I wrote a list Ben because I know how much you like a rational ordered process. I’m going to read it to you.

Number one. You talk about a wet ass p-word as a problem. Women are supposed to get wet Ben. That’s what happens when you satisfy your wife. It’s a natural reaction to arousal.

Number two. I don’t think that you should be tweeting about the problems of the wet p-word to your millions of followers. You should talk to your Mama Ben before you go public with these things. I know women Ben. I am a woman. And your father and I have worked out a way to have good, satisfying sexual relations for the last forty years. When it gets like a slip and slide down there that’s a good thing. It means I’m aroused. You’re not a new husband, these things shouldn’t be a problem. You remember aunty Naomi? I will text you her number. You can talk to her, she’s a sexual therapist. She worked wonders with the Herzbergs, she can help you.

The husband, Caleb, he had a terrible case of erectile dysfunction. They tried viagra. They tried cialis. They tried avanafil. They went on a pornagraphy retreat – I told them that wouldn’t work. And then your aunty Naomi, she came in, and she watched them having sex and she gave him instructions. How to kiss her, how to touch her, what to say to her, and all this cognitive mental therapy as well. And now they’re like rabbits! They’ve got a sixth on the way. And that’s far too many and it’s only going to get harder. But he’s hard. When they have sex. Aunty Naomi solved his problem.

Number three. Nor, your “doctor wife”, is humoring you. She’s telling you that a dry pussy is normal because she doesn’t want you to feel embarrassed. *You* are not embarrassed tweeting about this Ben, but *I* am. I am your mother Ben and I do not want my children out in public declaring that they are frankly sexually inadequate.

Number four. This song is not literal. I’ve listened to it many times along with Hannah and Makayla. It’s quite catchy, it’s a good piece of music. When she says bring a “bucket and a mop” she’s not actually asking for a bucket and mop. She’s telling you how aroused she is. Like a woman should be.

Why don’t you go back to the violin Ben? You were good at the violin. You enjoy the violin. You could have been a concert violinist. You still could! All this talk show radio stuff seems to be making you upset and when you get upset you become quite irrational Ben, it’s not a good look! Your father and I, and we think that journalism is not a good fit for you. Clearly you have an audience. But the people who like you are not very intelligent. And the people who respond to you? A lot of them are laughing at you Ben. If you went back to the violin then your following could have a certain level of… cultural literacy let’s say.

Anyway you were very upset and I don’t like to see my boy upset so please call me Ben.

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