So, 2021. What a year. Long post alert. My last for a while hopefully. This one is all about me and it is quite personal but I want to share and celebrate. Peace and love friends xxx
For many people, life slows down a bit in their 20s. For me, it hasn’t at all. And this past year, life has gone even quicker than usual for me!
This has been a year of change. At the beginning of 2021 I was moving from Hammersmith to Brent, I was starting a course of therapy, I was still working remotely with my colleagues at Articy, and as far as everyone knew I was still a cisgender man. Over this year I was asking a lot of questions, and I haven’t got the final answer to all of them, but I’ve moved forward on many.
The first big question was about place. Where to live? I wanted to live somewhere where I could explore about gender, and I was afraid of doing this at home with my aunt. So I went to live with strangers, who it is often easier to be yourself or to explore new things around. It turns out that I was not a good match for one of my housemates, and I moved back, and I didn’t try any gender exploration while I was there. Lessons learned. Later in the year I started asking myself about place again, still because of the needs of my body, but this time because I wanted easy access to full body weight exercises. I’ve found that and I will definitely stay living where I am at least until late next year.
The second big question was about work. I had learned a lot from my time at Articy but I wanted to work somewhere we actually did the whole design process including user research, and where we could deliver outcomes within months or years rather than …seemingly never. And in April, a year and a half after I had first set my mind on getting a new job, I finally got there with my new role at Engine. And now my portfolio is in a great place and I am going to use this as a springboard to go freelance next year. The opportunities to come look fantastic, and this is a very exciting place to be.
The final big question was around sexuality and gender, which for me are closely tied together. I’ve always had a very trans female lesbianic sexuality, which I just never really came to terms with before August this year. So, not having any frame of reference, I didn’t approach this in January as what it is, which is my sexuality, but as an addiction or something confusing to put away in a box. And CBT therapy actually worked! I could completely distance myself from all my trans female sexuality. And then I discovered when I did that that there was nothing else. I don’t have a heterosexual male sexuality. That’s just not who I am.
I remember being at a party in the beginning of August lying down on a bouncy castle, just kind of processing all this, and this guy I didn’t know said to me “you look like you’re having an existential crisis”. That’s kind of a weird thing to say to someone you don’t know, but what was worse, but is also kind of hilarious, is that he was exactly right. And then a few weeks later I did a thought experiment and said to myself “well what if I were female” and it was an overwhelmingly positive experience that kept me up all night and was so amazingly wonderful. I knew basically from that moment that I’m a trans woman, and that’s an amazing step to have. But it’s also the beginning of a whole other journey.
And now I’m in a place where I’m out to all of my friends, and my family, and my colleagues, and I’m using a new name, and I’m presenting as female, and I’m lasering off my body hair, and I’m freezing my sperm, and it’s all pretty cool. Honestly the place where I was at in July/August this year was accepting that I could never have any kind of intimate sexual or romantic side to my life because I knew that it didn’t work. And where I am now is I have hope. I know that there are women who are interested in me as Morgana. Actually acting on this and getting together with anyone is probably a year or two out because I have a lot to do and process in the meantime. But I know it’s possible. And I know that I have reinvented myself in so many aspects so many times that I have the fuel and determination to do so again.
So 2021 has been a pretty awesome year in amongst the chaos of covid life. It has been a good year for friendships too and many other things that didn’t make the cut.
What next for 2022? Keep on keeping on:
Get strong again. Maybe stronger than ever before
Freeze a good amount of sperm
Get on hormones
Recreate my work-life-money balance as a freelancer
Take a longer amount of time off work after freelance is established
Recreate my wardrobe
Make my interactive narrative masterpiece?
Morgana out xxx