A comedian is someone who treats jokes seriously and treats serious matters as if they were jokes.

A philosopher is someone who treats jokes seriously and treats serious matters as if they were jokes.

Amazingly talented people ruin things for the merely gifted.

Anyone else think the iTunes album descriptions are really bitchy?

Do giraffes get depressed?

Drop the words “masculine” and “feminine”.

From a distance trowels sound like dubstep.

How long have my flies been open?

Hugh Laurie has done more than anyone else to convince Americans that there is no such thing as a British accent.

I forget.

I make bad decisions when I’m hungry.

I wish I could travel in three dimensions.

I was born just before humanity’s eight o clock.

I was in hell for a hundred years. When I got out I missed it.

I worry about getting shot by right wing people.

I worry that by the time I’m forty five basic medical care will no longer be freely available.

I worry that if I had a time machine I’d use it to seduce my friends.

In the nineties every other action film had to have a scene in which a man was trapped in a car and the car was being crushed.

If I was into men I’d go for bastards.

It was my inability to remember my closest friends’ names that drove me to comedy.

It’s easier to extrapolate when you have fewer data.

Lying. The great political solution.

Stress happens not because setbacks are too fast, but because progress is too slow.

What happens when my brain fills up?

Waiting for a webpage to load on 3g in my house is the most tedious form of gambling. It’s making me into a worse person.

You hold me when I stay and shiver when I’m away.

You’re going to Inglerland. Now remember, your pants are your underpoopers, your underpants are your gloves, and if anybody sneezes you say “god’s sake”.

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